Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? “It’s to turn red lights green,” he replied. Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. To resolve conflicts between management and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. Thank you to Twitter, Pleated Jeans, and Buzzfeed for some of the magnificent tweets in the gallery above. My dad used to sing little ditties. You can bring it back tomorrow.” —David Cutcher. Exasperated, the customer glared at me and said, “In my newspaper, the ad was for this store!” —Edward Oppenheimer. I miss him tremendously. Only much later did I find out that it was his garage-door opener. —Mria Murillo. During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. She insisted I was wrong, so I got a copy of the paper, and we went through it, eventually landing on an ad for pants from another local store.
The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. “Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end,” I suggested.
We're not talking about funny lines, but actual jokes! It’s only a baby,” he says. —George Brown. Me: There you go. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when he asked, “Who’s going to pay the therapist?” —Virginia Davies. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when... Bad Jokes That You Can’t Help but Laugh At, Funny Photos That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud, Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Guaranteed to Get a Laugh, The Absolute Best Funny Movies of All Time, Weird Facts You Never Knew About Laughter, Work Cartoons to Help You Get Through the Week, Clever Wedding Jokes Perfect for Any Speech, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Do Not Sell My Personal Information – CA Residents, “I’m only taking this class so I don’t eat for an hour.”, “Who knew 40 years of neglect would have repercussions?”, “Does this body make me look fat?” —Mark Garvey.
“I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said.
You have plenty of time.” —Jack Girard.
I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.” —Submitted by Rose Mattix. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one.” —M. The friend explained that as a diesel fitter, my dad’s responsibility would be to pick up each garment as it came off the line, look it over, and then hold it up and announce, “Yep, deez’ll fit ’er!” At least, that’s the story my dad told a thousand times.
When the night shift nurse arrived, I recounted what had happened. Enjoy this collection of the funniest Twitter jokes that might actually get you to laugh out loud: And if you liked this post, be sure to check out these popular posts: Thank you to Twitter, Pleated Jeans, and Buzzfeed for some of the magnificent tweets in the gallery above. I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.” I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair.” A glass-half-full kind of gal, she responded, “Well, then you won’t need to vacuum either.” —Agnes Scharenbroch. By the way, you can also launch a popular Twitter account with funny posts, images, or videos. The woman quickly learned... We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. “You know, I always used to wish I could whistle,” he said. My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. On Dad’s first day, the friend took him to the production line where he would be working. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly... To resolve conflicts between management and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. —Sylvia McClain. “My dog told me.”.
Headline from the Seattle PostIntelligencer: “Mom Warns Son to ‘Watch Out for Idiots,’ Rear‑Ends His Motorcycle.”, Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password? I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. My Dad’s favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew.
“Funny,” she said, looking puzzled. 34 Club Penguin Bans That Ruined Childhoods Faster Than Type 1 Diabetes, 27 Crazy Jewish Mom Texts That Will Make You Appreciate Boundaries, 25 Pepsi Commercial Memes That Prove All We Need Is Love, Kendall Jenner, And Canned Poison, Couple Trying To Set Up Wedding Registry Accidentally End Up On Sex Offender Registry, 33 Friends Quotes To Remind You That Life Peaked In The 90s, 66 Hilarious Twitter Jokes Guaranteed To Induce An Audible Laugh, funny Tumblr posts that will probably make you whiz your pants. And each time, I’d tell my 12-year-old daughter, “A train just went by. ... referee be a game warden? “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me... My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. On this day, people prepare jokes for every other and accumulate pleasant memories.
But I couldn’t clear the top of the mattress. when you see something funny but you’re supposed to be offline. —Matt Rizzo.
While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised her hand. He then asked for some e-cigarette products and handed me his ID to prove he was indeed of age. Me: That’s quite the age difference! My daughter is now a college graduate and lives out of state, but every time I cross those tracks, I think of her.
“Sure,” said the first guy. in, These screenshots are here to let you experience all the fleeting joy and hilarity that, 20 People on Twitter Who Clearly Missed the Joke, 15 Funny TV Freeze Frames You May Have Missed, 10 Brilliant Moments of Movie Foreshadowing You May Have Missed, 31 of the Best Reactions to Falling Oil Prices, I Have A Joke But - 15 Dank Memes Had This Week on Twitter, 40 Random Pics and Memes to Shake Your Head At, 21 More Funny Tweets to Give You a Good Laugh, 37 Cringey Images To Remind You How Lame Metal Can Be, 30 Twitter Jokes That Are Way Too Specific, 37 Times People Struggled to Keep It Together, 17 Clever Details You Never Noticed in Movies Before, Ancient Tree Truther Pages Are Next Level Crazy, 38 Funny Pics and Memes to Click Away Boredom, 30 Random Memes For Your Viewing Pleasure, 32 Funny Pics and Memes Made For Laughing, 37 Funny Twitter Jokes You May Have Missed.